True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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