I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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