Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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