I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
