dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
