Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I see more hoeing in ur future
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