Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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