So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Ketchup is God's man juice
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
