But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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