i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Are we still banned from the library?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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