by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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