I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
