When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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