I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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