You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I will be naked everywhere
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
