Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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