before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My liver is preforming stress tests.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize