so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
