i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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