o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
