Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
