You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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