A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
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Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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