We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
