Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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