i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
this boner is exhausting
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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