yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
