you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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