Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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