a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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