Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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