then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
