I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
