Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
