I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
