If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You ruined the universe
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
