Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
