Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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