I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
