Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I've blown a few things in my day
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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