I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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