I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
