my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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