I just pynch a tree in the face
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
