fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
