that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
