gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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