She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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