Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
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I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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