i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
