I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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