i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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