Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
