I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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