the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
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Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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