dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
