my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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